Knowing and Controlling Your Parenting Derailers
As some of
my friends and colleagues know, I'm a bit obsessed with an assessment tool I
use in my consulting practice called the Hogan assessment. Shining
light on our "shadow side," the Hogan instruments help people become aware of
their derailers-- a strength gone
awry. For example, a positive trait like diligence might show up as
critical, rigid, or perfectionistic. Enthusiasm taken to the extreme can
turn into volatility, moodiness, and irritability.
Research on
leadership reveals that the most beloved leaders have their fair share of
derailers. What sets them apart is that they're aware of their derailers and work hard to regulate them just like they would a bad habit.
It's hard
not to see the connection to parenting. In fact, in Mom-in-Chief I write about Mom Modes or
leadership strengths and how they can run amok or turn into derailers.
Although
most people need more tools to make an accurate self-diagnosis of their
derailers, understanding common derailers is a good first step. Try assessing
which of the following three derailers best describe you. (There are a total of
11 Hogan derailers. To learn more, visit the Hogan website). Remember-- the goal
is not to eliminate derailers. The
goal is to recognize them and manage them.
Excitable: Do your kids see you as overly emotional and short on patience? People
with an Excitable derailer can be perceived as intense, edgy, volatile, and
sometimes explosive.
Possible cost: Have you noticed that your kids
hide bad news from you? Fearing an emotional reaction, your child may avoid
talking to you about a problem.
Try: Instead of reacting in the moment,
ask yourself what impact an emotional reaction will have. Take a breather
before confronting your child in the heat of the moment.
Diligence: Do you pride yourself on being conscientious and orderly? In
excess, these characteristics can be perceived as picky, critical,
micromanaging, and perfectionistic.
Potential cost: Kids might fear that they
need to be "perfect" to gain your approval. Feeling too much pressure,
they may eventually rebel or experience the myriad ill effects that come from
stress.
Try: Recognize that "good enough" may be
as valuable as "perfect." Practice being relaxed and positive even when
behavior doesn't meet your own high standards.
Reserved: Do you prefer to spend time alone
and crave your "personal space?" Do people describe you as independent and
naturally introverted? In excess, people high on the Reserved scale may be seen
as intimidating, aloof, or insensitive.
Potential cost: Family members may find you
uncommunicative and withdrawn, especially during stressful times. You may
miss cues that your child needs your nurturance and guidance.
Try: Make conscious efforts to discern
your children's emotions and show empathy for their feelings. Balance
your need to be alone with close interaction with family members.
