Wonder why your kid looks annoyed when you say the wrong thing? What was it that I said, exactly, that pissed you off? As one mom told me, "I feel like if I swallow the wrong way, I get eye rolls." We're confused and sometimes feel completely incompetent parenting our teens. So what better place to get advice (this week on how to stay close) but from teens themselves. I'm starting a weekly blog entry that gives parents advice from teenagers. How it works: I pose a question to the group of teens on matters important to us puzzled parents of teens. Their names are kept anonymous. The question I asked this week: What advice do you have for parents of teens about how to stay close with their teenage kid? What do parents sometimes do (in a well-meaning attempt to stay close to their teen) that actually does the opposite (shuts you down, makes you annoyed).
The overwhelming theme of nearly every response to this week's question was this: Let us (your child) make the first move. I've included word-for-word two responses that really seemed to represent all the others and was so rich with ideas we can learn from, I decided to post them in their entirety. Here they are:
"If you want to stay close with your teenage kid, you have to let them make the first move. We will come to you if we need advice or help, but constantly asking about school and friends does not make us feel any more comfortable or willing to share with you. Try this: wait a while after we get out of school and then ask. We have a lot on our minds, like homework, extracurricular clubs, social situations, etc. Chances are that you have a lot on your mind too. Why don't we talk about our day while we are doing a chore, like setting the table or making a salad, when we can just focus on each other without becoming annoyed. It will make the chore go by much faster, and we will be able to really enjoy each other's company. Don't forget--we always love to have dinner together as a family, and we can also talk then. Also, keep in mind that if we don't want to share something, it doesn't mean that we are depressed or on drugs. Maybe we just need to figure out how to tell you in a way that it would be possible for you to give us advice without you freaking out."
"My advice for staying close with your teenager is to have just one thing special that you can relate to with your teen that's out of the ordinary. For example, you read a book series together, or as often as possible, watch a certain TV show together or Monday night football. It may even be as easy as liking the same sport and going out to play or just in your backyard if the teen doesn't want to be seen out with their parent. You can have something special and connecting between you and not be over attached or annoying.
Parents sometimes come on field trips, or try organizing parties so that the teen is more willing to stay close, but the teen normally doesn't want their parent around or asking their friends to come to a party when the teen should be asking themselves. But on the other spectrum, sometimes the parent thinks that bribing their teen with expensive clothing or electronics all the time is not the way to stay close or have a better relationship. And some parents do this without realizing it, and it just teaches bad lessons to their teens and then they become more demanding of things they want, and you can never turn their minds around."
To share a question you'd like posted to the teen group, either send your question to jamie@jamiewoolf.com or post it on my homepage under "share a story". Please forward this blog to your friends! If you have a teen who might be a good addition to my teen group, they can send me their e-mail address and I"ll take it from there. It's a great opportunity for teens to express their ideas and for us to learn valuable tips and better understand our teens.
Thanks for this! I have a question. I know that I stay up at night worrying about things like drugs, car accidents, disrespectful sex, pregnancy. I'd love you to post a question to your group: What do you worry about--what keeps you teens up at night? Thanks.
Ann
Great idea! I have a question too. Do you have suggestions for your parents that could help ease the pressure you (teens) feel to do well in school and to be successful? Who exerts the most pressure on you to do well in school? Yourself? teachers? your parents? Thank you. Brenda L.
My 13 year old son has many friends who are girls who he has over to the house. He likes to close his bedroom door, just like when his male friends come over.
Should I allow my son to close his door when girls are over?