This guest post is contributed by Kitty Holman, who writes on the topics for nursing colleges.She welcomes your comments at her email: kitty.holman20@gmail.com.
Recent research into what teens want the most turned up some
fascinating results. According to an article published in USA
Today, it turns out that the thing young adults crave the most is not alcohol,
a new car, or sex - instead, teens desire experiences that boost self-esteem like
receiving a compliment or a good grade.
Having healthy self-esteem allows teenagers to pursue their
studies, hobbies, and career aspirations with confidence. It's no surprise that
strong self-esteem is negatively correlated to depression and anxiety, the Counseling and Mental
Health Center of the University of Texas states. Luckily, parents can
easily protect their teens against the negative effects of low self-esteem.It's as basic as showing respect, demonstrating
your love and trust, and regularly praising them.
The type of praise given is important as well. Praise should
center around your teen's hard work, according to Carol Dweck, and not around their innate talents or intelligence. Praise
for intelligence can drive your teen to play it safe and only accomplish things
that make them appear smart whereas praise for hard work encourages the mindset
that effort equals success.
A helpful tactic: Parents can remind teens of their past
accomplishments when the teens are feeling low on confidence.
Though teens may not outright ask for it, (they are more
likely to ask for a car or a higher allowance) simple praise can go a long way
to make them feel valued and happy.
I
often feel that managing my work life, the meetings, the e-mails, the
writing, is trivial compared with the emotional labor it takes to be a
parent.
UC Berkeley sociology professor Arlie Hochschield coined the term emotional labor
to describe the effort required to manage feelings to create a
desirable emotional display and meet the expectations of the job.
Just
as the stewardess must appear friendly even with abusive customers, or
the physician must display calm reassurance despite her own
uncertainty, we parents continually feel the emotional pressure to keep
our cool, quell anxieties, and appear cheerful.
Managing
our emotions is crucial to our success but it comes at a price: Stress,
emotional exhaustion, dissatisfaction with the "job," health problems,
and detachment from our feelings, in other words, abandonment of
ourselves.
We can't achieve our leadership aims if we don't take care of ourselves.
Find sanctuaries.Hike, go to the museum, take a day off from parenting, to regain perspective and rejuvenate.
Vent. Find a non-judging someone who can hear your genuine feelings, however raw, and provide unconditional support.
Pitch your own fit, appropriately.
Appropriate displays of emotion with your children help you to be
authentic and let kids know that you can balance strong emotions
without completely losing control....(most days).
As some of
my friends and colleagues know, I'm a bit obsessed with an assessment tool I
use in my consulting practice called the Hogan assessment. Shining
light on our "shadow side," the Hogan instruments help people become aware of
their derailers-- a strength gone
awry. For example, a positive trait like diligence might show up as
critical, rigid, or perfectionistic. Enthusiasm taken to the extreme can
turn into volatility, moodiness, and irritability.
Research on
leadership reveals that the most beloved leaders have their fair share of
derailers. What sets them apart is that they're aware of their derailers and work hard to regulate them just like they would a bad habit.
It's hard
not to see the connection to parenting. In fact, in Mom-in-Chief I write about Mom Modes or
leadership strengths and how they can run amok or turn into derailers.
Although
most people need more tools to make an accurate self-diagnosis of their
derailers, understanding common derailers is a good first step. Try assessing
which of the following three derailers best describe you. (There are a total of
11 Hogan derailers. To learn more, visit the Hogan website). Remember-- the goal
is not to eliminate derailers. The
goal is to recognize them and manage them.
Excitable:Do your kids see you as overly emotional and short on patience? People
with an Excitable derailer can be perceived as intense, edgy, volatile, and
sometimes explosive.
Possible cost: Have you noticed that your kids
hide bad news from you? Fearing an emotional reaction, your child may avoid
talking to you about a problem.
Try: Instead of reacting in the moment,
ask yourself what impact an emotional reaction will have. Take a breather
before confronting your child in the heat of the moment.
Diligence: Do you pride yourself on being conscientious and orderly? In
excess, these characteristics can be perceived as picky, critical,
micromanaging, and perfectionistic.
Potential cost: Kids might fear that they
need to be "perfect" to gain your approval. Feeling too much pressure,
they may eventually rebel or experience the myriad ill effects that come from
stress.
Try: Recognize that "good enough" may be
as valuable as "perfect." Practice being relaxed and positive even when
behavior doesn't meet your own high standards.
Reserved: Do you prefer to spend time alone
and crave your "personal space?" Do people describe you as independent and
naturally introverted? In excess, people high on the Reserved scale may be seen
as intimidating, aloof, or insensitive.
Potential cost: Family members may find you
uncommunicative and withdrawn, especially during stressful times. You may
miss cues that your child needs your nurturance and guidance.
Try: Make conscious efforts to discern
your children's emotions and show empathy for their feelings. Balance
your need to be alone with close interaction with family members.
Amy Tiemann and I appeared on View from the Bay today with the one and only Mrs. Brady, the mom many of us watched for countless hours. Here she is! You can check out our segment on the View From the Bay website. http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/channel?section=view_from_the_bay&id=5755208 Our topic, strategies to avoid overparenting.
I'm going to
be on View from the Bay today in San Francisco, ABC 7, KGO-TV, live show at 3 pm,
with my colleague, author of Mojo Mom, Amy Tiemann. And I just found out that Florence
Henderson, Carol Brady herself, will also be a guest. Mojo Mom, Mom-in-Chief, and Mrs. Brady together at last! We'll be talking about overparenting--hovering, nagging, hand wringing, micromanging, rescuing--all that good stuff. My chapter in the upcoming Courageous Parenting anthology is titled, "I'm Worried I Worry Too Much But How Can I Quit?" Sign up for my newsletter and you'll be able to download the book for free in a month.
What can moms learn from Celina Sotomayor, the Supreme Court nominee's mother? She conveyed four powerful messages to her children:
1) You can overcome huge obstacles with education 2) Dreams come true through effort and persistence 3) Enlist the support of others to navigate through hardship 4) Instill values by living your values
Last weekend, I had the honor of joining Satellite SisterLian Dolan in her studio (aka her closet) for an interview about how leadership skills can translate into great parenting at home. Join Lian (who also happens to be my favorite, hilarious, smart sister-in-law) and me for a lively and fun 20 minute conversation about everything from how to pull out good leadership when we're flat out exhausted to how thinking like a leader can help us rise above the relentless demands and drudgery of the job, revive our motivation and make us feel more satisfied and effective. http://www.chaoschronicles.com/podcast.html
Heading to L.A. this weekend for a bookstore event and visiting with my friends and family. Hope it stays warm. My Northern California daughters need some good LA hot weather and swimming.
For those of you in the Los Angeles area, please come join us:
Vroman's Bookstore, Pasadena: Mom-in-Chief event, Saturday, May 23, 3:00 Wine, refreshments, time to talk about this crazy thing called parenting.
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